I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ladies don't puke and tell
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
