If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We need a shit load of segways right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
