Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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