I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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