I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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