he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
