I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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