There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I still have a little drunk in my system
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
