yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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