Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
