I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
