It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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