i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
