Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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