I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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