Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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