is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
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