A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
