she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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