I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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