Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
