May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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