At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
