fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can I color on your dick again?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
