I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
