Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
