Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
