Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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