genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
