i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
