did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
