All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
