I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
