i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
