The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
