Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
