I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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