A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
