A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
