the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
