I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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