i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
What a dumb baby whore.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize