The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sober January is a disaster.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
