dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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