got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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