I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize