come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
