You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
