Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
