he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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