So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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