I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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