u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
time to smoke my breakfast
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
