Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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