sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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