Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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