I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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