I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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