20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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