It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize