I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
