Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
