I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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