I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
